Monday, August 8, 2011

Separation Anxiety Part II.

I am not a fan of long-distance relationships or physical separations of any kind. Why you may ask? Well, for all reasons obvious and my very own past experiences. Remember this post?

I used to be a strong believer in long-distance relationships. I used to be convinced that it is a choice one makes whether or not you stick through a time of physically separation together or not. If you chose to be together no matter the distance between the two of you, you would be fine and make it through this patch as well as can be. I made that choice more than once and while we didn't make it, I made it and lasted for as long as I let myself. I made it through absences of my lover for anywhere between 1-13 months. I am not saying that it was easy, God forbid, it surely was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. The love and faith I had for him and my relationship though kept me going day after day. Very bad things happened throughout those times apart and I learned that every time one of us would leave the other, we wouldn't return to each other the way it was initially planned at the time of separation. It has put a number on me and turned me into someone who is afraid to leave and be left because of what might happen during my or his absence. 

Boy and I have not been separated in the past 7 months for more than a few days and even then we were at least in the same vicinity. Since I have been in Germany I have been getting the first taste of long-distance again in a year and I am having a tough time to say the least. I can't pin my finger on what I am worried about, but I am just very uncomfortable. I am enjoying being home, but I think about boy and I a lot and am afraid that something may happen throughout these two and a half weeks that could pull out the rug from under my feet again like it has happened before. 

After ex-files I made a deal with myself to never have a long-distance relationship. I am too sensitive and it is too hurtful. Some people may be made for it more than others, and I had to realize, I am not one of them. I can't handle the separation, the lack of communication, the lack of reassurance at all times by actions rather than words. I am already dreading the time I will be in New York. It will be hard on me although it is only 3 1/2 months at the very most that I will be gone. Boy isn't what you call a very emotional or attentive person when it comes to being away from him. He is the kind of guy that would be fine with a phone call once a week while I am home and busy visiting friends and family. I cannot relate to that and am having a hard time understanding how that is anywhere normal to feel that way about the person you love. I worry about him missing me and dislike that I feel that he may not be bothered as much by me being away. I understand that a lot of this could all be in my head -- hence the reason I despise long-distance relationships -- but at the end of the day, if I can't relate to something it is hard to look at it from a different angle. Although I am very busy out here, I miss him and three weeks away from him is not a good time in my book. I already am I a person that needs rather more reassurance and attention in general and that doesn't change when I am gone either. However, while I am gone, it is even easier to make me happy as all you need to do is send me texts here and there, say nice and sweet things, and just show me lovelovelove. After everything I have been through, I may just be a lot more needy than others. But my dear and wise friend Carla put it perfectly:

"I think that if a man wants to be in a woman's life and they have power over how she feels secure than he should do that. The person you love should be the first person trying the hardest to do his best at giving you what you want and need."

Love near & far, blog lovers. 


TexaGermaNadian said...

I hate everything about long distance too, even if just for a short time. I hope the time passes quickly and everything is back to being a-ok :)

Rebecca said...

Thank you! I hate being away from him! I feel super insecure and I just meeese him ;-(

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